I have moved on.

This Blog is no longer active. I have moved on to other things.

I would like to take this time to thank everyone for the support during my time with this blog. The support was life saving. Thank you again.

If you would like to follow my current projects check out my links below.


https://www.facebook.com/OfficialElijahPepper/

Here I post updates for my projects, and connect with people who enjoy my work.


https://elijah-pepper.squarespace.com

This is my new site, I have a blog running, and post other writing of mine.


https://instagram.com/pepper.elijah

Here is where most of my poems, and proses get publish, I also engage in writing challenges with other writers.


And last but not least is my Patreon site, here I will be posting, either weekly, or monthly aditions to an on going story, as well as Patreon only content. If you feel like you want to support me, please do so, it would mean the world to me.


https://www.patreon.com/ElijahPepper


Again THANK YOU SO MUCH for the support. You and every read here is why I was able to move on to bigger and better things. 

Trust

I trust so few people, this is a fact. An unfortunate one.

If I were to meet you in the street one day, my first reaction would be to assess you. Your physical presence, your emotional state, your vocabulary. Anything and everything that makes you, you.

I would see how you stand, how you move, I would listen to your words, and the words you use. Not just the words you use, but also how you use them.

I would watch your hands, the adept nature with which you use them would tell me more about you than you ever could.

All of these tiny cues would tell me exactly who you are and what you are capable of.

But none of that could ever tell me if you are trustworthy. So by default, you would not be trustworthy.

Now I know that this is not healthy, or wise. But it is necessary, in the mind of someone with PTSD. The survival mind is not one of logic, or reason. But of one of self preservation. I write because of self preservation, I talk about my thoughts and feelings because of my need for self preservation. I distrust the world because of this.

My logical, grounded, reasoning mind tells me not to do that. It tells me to trust those, until proven otherwise. But I retreat, and I watch. I watch you until the evidence says I can trust you. I remain silent. But when I determine that you can be trusted, I test the waters, and I open up.

Everytime I do this, it feels like I am walking into the gates of hell. My body flushes with heat, pain radiates in my muscles and bones. I feel like I am going to die. All of that, just to tell you my name. In my paranoid thought process, every bit of information you have on me, is enough to ruin me, and my way of life.

So when I was asked how someone without PTSD, gets someone with PTSD to open up, the answer took time. It took time for me to think about it, and finally admit it to myself.

Trust, and time.

But time for the one with PTSD, they have to accept that it is time to open up. They have to trust people, not just those around them. But people in general. If I trust you, I can talk to you. If I don't trust you, I won't talk to you. At ALL. Ever.