I remember the first time the noises caused me to jump. I was living in a tiny two bedroom house, I was married, I had a son on the way. My wife at the time, was in the kitchen pregnant waddling about, making breakfast. I was looking for a job. I had spent the night before crying in her arms, after a couple hours of fighting my nightmares. Sleep was still hanging on my breath, and exhaustion gripping at my eyes.
I was scrolling through site after site, it was 2008, if you remember that year it wasn't a good one for anyone. Funds were running low, rent was due soon, and we had the little one on the way. Stress was building up.
The wife was dancing and spinning in the kitchen, happy as could be. I peeked in the kitchen and saw that breakfast was almost ready. Her hips swung and she bumped the utensils drawer closed. It slammed a little harder then she intended, and the ringing of silverware pinged through the house.
Like a tidal wave, I was back there. I felt the heat of Iraq swim up my feet and hit me in the face like a truck. I felt my nails bend as I grabbed on to the computer desk. My teeth grind in my skull, echoing from far off. Hands ached, muscles twitched. Tears welled up.
My breathing stops. My hearing gives out. My vision is blurred. My heart is beating, I can feel it everywhere. My nightmares have come true. I never came home, I am still there.
"Breakfast is ready baby"
I hear, but I can not react. I am drowning in molasses.
"Baby?"
I am trying to come back. I want it to be real. I want everything back, but I am stuck there.
"Baby, can you hear me?"
"Yeah."
"Are you ok?"
The fog is drifting away. Slowly I am coming back to where I belong.
"Yea I'm ok, I'll be there in a second."
I decided then and there that I would hide it all. Hide the weakness, hide the terror. Hide everything I had just been through.
Do not hide the symptoms, you will lose more than you know. You will lose yourself to fear, and doubt, and everything you bottle up inside. Seek help, find someone, anyone to talk to. Find someone to help you fight the demons.
I was scrolling through site after site, it was 2008, if you remember that year it wasn't a good one for anyone. Funds were running low, rent was due soon, and we had the little one on the way. Stress was building up.
The wife was dancing and spinning in the kitchen, happy as could be. I peeked in the kitchen and saw that breakfast was almost ready. Her hips swung and she bumped the utensils drawer closed. It slammed a little harder then she intended, and the ringing of silverware pinged through the house.
Like a tidal wave, I was back there. I felt the heat of Iraq swim up my feet and hit me in the face like a truck. I felt my nails bend as I grabbed on to the computer desk. My teeth grind in my skull, echoing from far off. Hands ached, muscles twitched. Tears welled up.
My breathing stops. My hearing gives out. My vision is blurred. My heart is beating, I can feel it everywhere. My nightmares have come true. I never came home, I am still there.
"Breakfast is ready baby"
I hear, but I can not react. I am drowning in molasses.
"Baby?"
I am trying to come back. I want it to be real. I want everything back, but I am stuck there.
"Baby, can you hear me?"
"Yeah."
"Are you ok?"
The fog is drifting away. Slowly I am coming back to where I belong.
"Yea I'm ok, I'll be there in a second."
I decided then and there that I would hide it all. Hide the weakness, hide the terror. Hide everything I had just been through.
Do not hide the symptoms, you will lose more than you know. You will lose yourself to fear, and doubt, and everything you bottle up inside. Seek help, find someone, anyone to talk to. Find someone to help you fight the demons.
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