Friday, September 18, 2015

Russian Nesting Dolls and PTSD

PTSD can be overwhelming, anyone with it can relate to that. What I think the hardest thing to convey is the world we all live in now, after our event, or events.

Since I started this blog, I have tried again and again to explain that. This time I want to try and explain the inner storm.

The easiest way for me to convey it is, as the title states, with Russian Nesting Dolls. Here is a link, in case you don't know what those are. We as human beings are the outer most layer, the layer everyone see's and understand.

That is the layer we show to the world. That is the layer we are proud of, we show emotion with. We experience life with.

But below that is a layer that is similar to the outer, but it is a raging storm, formless, racing, and bottled chaos. It is the layer we were given with our events. A nice parting gift. Now unlike a nesting doll, PTSD and the emotions that come with it, are not always the same layer.

Your inner layers switch between all manner of feelings. Anger, rage, frustration, depression, guilt, fear. Not fear as a state of mind, but as an emotion. Fear brought on by a conscience memory. Fear as a fully invested feeling.

Anger so hot, and boiling you can feel your face on fire and forget all sense of self. Anger that has no real target, no real end goal. Layer upon layer anger is fueled by guilt, guilt spiraling out of control because of grief, and sadness. Memories flashing, spinning, raging.

All the while the little nesting dolls sits there, maintaining. On the outside it's finely carved edges shape the whole, its purposefully painted lines draw the eyes away from the seam that is quickly growing.Outside is you, a work of art. Inside is more beauty, but hidden by the darkness of PTSD. All the beauty inside is darkened by our inability to open ourselves up and share the pain.

Instead we stand by, waiting and watching as others pass by, unaware that we open up and have many layers within. We spend so long waiting to open up, that when someone comes along and is curious enough to follow that seam. To crack the seam open, every layer within bursts out.







P.S. I have been traveling for work, so I promise, promise to reply to comments asap.


2 comments :

  1. Interesting analogy. I wonder, how do we (those without PTSD) help you feel comfortable enough to peel back a layer or two? I'm interested in who you are as a person, not just simply curious about PTSD.

    Safe travels.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has taken me longer than I would like to admit to find something that resembles an answer to your question.

      The closest I can come to answer is this:

      Trust, and time.

      I'll elaborate in a post :)

      Delete

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