I have spent many hours researching, talking and reading about today's post.
That does not mean I am an expert, IN ANY WAY.
I have tried to maintain a personal point of view for my blog up to date. I believe that when dealing with PTSD, the data can be a bit, shaky. I know people with PTSD that range from light to beyond crippling. The later of the two could never be in any study. Let alone leave their own homes. So the data, in my opinion, is a bit "positive". That being said, I would like to say again, this post is my own opinion.
Slowly but surely over the last few weeks, towards the end of my current bottle of medication. I started feeling the stress, and anxiety rise. The paranoia was back. I was back to counting and remembering the LIC# of the vehicles around me. I thought people were following me. This isn't a major thing for me, but I realized I take one road to work. The same one thousands of other people go. So the odds of people going the same direction, for the same amount of time is fairly high.
I have done my best to mask it. I played the role of the good friend, the good son, even the good boyfriend. But inside I was screaming for help. I was no longer balanced, I was riding a wave of exhilaration. But drowning inside.
I decided I would try something, something some of the people that read this will object to, but I don't mind. You're allowed to have your own opinion. As am I, and here it is.
I tried marijuana, not for "recreational" purposes. But I tried it for the medical purposes. I got my medical marijuana card. After sometime, I can say this, this may not be for me, but I can see potential. Now I have smoked before, when I was young and dumb. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoy it now, for different reasons. Yes, I just said I enjoy it, and I said it may not before me. Let me explain.
Now the "I enjoy it" part. That does not mean I enjoy being "high", that means that I enjoy it. I enjoy the way my mind doesn't race, I enjoy the absence of pain for the first time in years. I enjoy, the way I can think without my fears and nightmares slithering around my thoughts. I enjoy the sleep, the sound, sound oh so sweet nightmare-less sleep.
The flip side to that is the fear that comes from people reading this, and taking action against me. I am a responsible adult, I (with the help of my caregiver) live on my own. I struggle with PTSD, and I function perfectly well. I have a career, a degree, and I have hobbies. All of this is at stake when people have negative viewpoints of things they don't agree with, and they act of those feelings. I for one, do not agree or disagree with abortion (I don't think ANY MAN should ever tell a woman what to do with her body, so I object to the idea that a man should ever have an opinion of abortion). But I am not one to care enough to waste 5 dollars on markers to make a sign. While I know other people care far too much, I hope they will continue to read.
Let's move on, as for the "it may not be for me", while it may not be, it may be as well. I have not walked this path long enough to make that decision yet. I count myself among the fairly intelligent, and rather level headed. I am not quick to jump into things, and I always do my research before attempting things. I stray from addicting and damaging substances. I rarely drink, and I am not a fan of medication in general. So I view this as a form of treatment just like any other. I am hesitant, but I am willing to stay non-biased long enough to see if it works.
It may not be for me, because I may end up not liking it, or forming a habit I am not a fan of. I try an limit my addictions to zero.
But it may be for me, and others. I can not say yet. But I can say this. In less than a week every bodily pain, every relived nightmare, and memory... well they've taken a holiday. I have not jumped, or blacked out. Even with the remaining fireworks trickling in from the 4th.
I will continue to report in, and see if I can't figure this out. For now, I think it is safe to say this. I feel normal, I feel like myself before my event.
It is nice. I missed who I was. No, who I will be.
That does not mean I am an expert, IN ANY WAY.
I have tried to maintain a personal point of view for my blog up to date. I believe that when dealing with PTSD, the data can be a bit, shaky. I know people with PTSD that range from light to beyond crippling. The later of the two could never be in any study. Let alone leave their own homes. So the data, in my opinion, is a bit "positive". That being said, I would like to say again, this post is my own opinion.
Slowly but surely over the last few weeks, towards the end of my current bottle of medication. I started feeling the stress, and anxiety rise. The paranoia was back. I was back to counting and remembering the LIC# of the vehicles around me. I thought people were following me. This isn't a major thing for me, but I realized I take one road to work. The same one thousands of other people go. So the odds of people going the same direction, for the same amount of time is fairly high.
I have done my best to mask it. I played the role of the good friend, the good son, even the good boyfriend. But inside I was screaming for help. I was no longer balanced, I was riding a wave of exhilaration. But drowning inside.
I decided I would try something, something some of the people that read this will object to, but I don't mind. You're allowed to have your own opinion. As am I, and here it is.
I tried marijuana, not for "recreational" purposes. But I tried it for the medical purposes. I got my medical marijuana card. After sometime, I can say this, this may not be for me, but I can see potential. Now I have smoked before, when I was young and dumb. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoy it now, for different reasons. Yes, I just said I enjoy it, and I said it may not before me. Let me explain.
Now the "I enjoy it" part. That does not mean I enjoy being "high", that means that I enjoy it. I enjoy the way my mind doesn't race, I enjoy the absence of pain for the first time in years. I enjoy, the way I can think without my fears and nightmares slithering around my thoughts. I enjoy the sleep, the sound, sound oh so sweet nightmare-less sleep.
The flip side to that is the fear that comes from people reading this, and taking action against me. I am a responsible adult, I (with the help of my caregiver) live on my own. I struggle with PTSD, and I function perfectly well. I have a career, a degree, and I have hobbies. All of this is at stake when people have negative viewpoints of things they don't agree with, and they act of those feelings. I for one, do not agree or disagree with abortion (I don't think ANY MAN should ever tell a woman what to do with her body, so I object to the idea that a man should ever have an opinion of abortion). But I am not one to care enough to waste 5 dollars on markers to make a sign. While I know other people care far too much, I hope they will continue to read.
Let's move on, as for the "it may not be for me", while it may not be, it may be as well. I have not walked this path long enough to make that decision yet. I count myself among the fairly intelligent, and rather level headed. I am not quick to jump into things, and I always do my research before attempting things. I stray from addicting and damaging substances. I rarely drink, and I am not a fan of medication in general. So I view this as a form of treatment just like any other. I am hesitant, but I am willing to stay non-biased long enough to see if it works.
It may not be for me, because I may end up not liking it, or forming a habit I am not a fan of. I try an limit my addictions to zero.
But it may be for me, and others. I can not say yet. But I can say this. In less than a week every bodily pain, every relived nightmare, and memory... well they've taken a holiday. I have not jumped, or blacked out. Even with the remaining fireworks trickling in from the 4th.
I will continue to report in, and see if I can't figure this out. For now, I think it is safe to say this. I feel normal, I feel like myself before my event.
It is nice. I missed who I was. No, who I will be.
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