I have been having an amazing month, I had my birthday (Big 30 this year), I am gaining more responsibility at work, and picking up more sites, I have survived the 4th of July (barely). All that and I started a new method for dealing with my PTSD.
All was good, all was well. Or so I thought. My SO/Caretaker and I have been working on catching up on bills, and life, after her short vacation where I completely forgot everything. And let the bills slip. We are pretty much caught up, so it is back to life as normal. With chores, and outings, and our set in stone date night.
Last night we did something for her, and we went to a car meet. Personally, I have never in my life been so board as to watch a bunch of peacocking, living-at-home-with-their-parents, "gear heads" talk endlessly about their cars, and what they did to them.
So to keep all that inside, and not let it out, I smoked a little before hand. When I am surrounded by people, I get anxiety. When I am in a situation that bores me, I get irritated. Combine those two and I will NOT be making friends anytime soon.
So I was "chillin" my anxiety was nowhere to be seen, all the little voices of paranoia and doubt were slumbering deep within. I felt no one watching me, I felt like one of the masses. Aside from my growing boredom I was perfectly fine.
And as you would have it, the peacocks, had to peacock. It started with one back fire from the exhaust of a Miata. The crowds gathered, and the attention starved youngster got a taste of what he craved. So he tried it again, and did it once more. More people gathered.
At first, I was content, I was passive. There was nothing to worry about, I saw it happening, I knew it was happening. I was golden, pony boy.
But it wasn't enough for him, he had to spread his tail feathers big and bold.
The Miata and its owner were thirsty. They drank up the attention and let loose. Back firing over and over again. Faster and faster.
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
I was back there. I went from passively ignoring it, to it ripping me from the meet and sending me away.
I did not black out, I did not fall over, I did not cough and gasp for air like I usually do though. This time was different. All of my demons were a flurry, angry and fighting. Like a raging bear awoken from hibernation too early, my demons lashed out. Through the haze that I was in before hand, I was able to stay conscience and speak.
My care giver was at first transfixed as everyone else was with the tuned out car. I looked to her, I tried to say something, but no words came. I saw how slowly it clicked in her mind. It started in her shoulders, I watched as they bunched up and tightened. She said something. I couldn't hear her.
I felt my chest tighten and my breath was taken, I fought to breathe.
"Are you ok?"
"No."
The response came without thought, there was no debate, there was no inner monologue pointing out reason to protect her from everything I was experiencing.
"Did you want to leave?"
"No." There it was again, no thought, just response. It was the truth, I remember thinking, I didn't want to be the reason her night was cut short.
"Did you need to go sit down?"
"Yes." I turned and walked away.
Everything around me was a blur. I remember people talking, I remember "Ooooh no someone's been shot", I can't remember if it was a joke or not, but it stuck to me like glue.
I sat in the car, I shook, I was burning up. I wanted to cry, I felt so weak, so helpless. My hands grabbed for my weapon, my arms kept rising in an effort to look down the barrel.
I had to go for a walk. I couldn't sit there. About my 3rd lap of the McDonalds, I saw my SO walking towards the car. We left, and I felt like shit. I knew it was my fault we were leaving. I had ruined her night.
I shut down on the way home, she kept me linked to this world by holding my hand and never letting me drift too far. But my mind tried to run.
Lesson learned, there is no quick fix for PTSD, yes I found a tool to aid me in my fight. But I am not cured. I thought I was and I let my walls down. I was so hopeful, so thirsty for freedom that when presented with a glimmer of dawn, I dropped my guard and took an arrow to the knee.
All was good, all was well. Or so I thought. My SO/Caretaker and I have been working on catching up on bills, and life, after her short vacation where I completely forgot everything. And let the bills slip. We are pretty much caught up, so it is back to life as normal. With chores, and outings, and our set in stone date night.
Last night we did something for her, and we went to a car meet. Personally, I have never in my life been so board as to watch a bunch of peacocking, living-at-home-with-their-parents, "gear heads" talk endlessly about their cars, and what they did to them.
So to keep all that inside, and not let it out, I smoked a little before hand. When I am surrounded by people, I get anxiety. When I am in a situation that bores me, I get irritated. Combine those two and I will NOT be making friends anytime soon.
So I was "chillin" my anxiety was nowhere to be seen, all the little voices of paranoia and doubt were slumbering deep within. I felt no one watching me, I felt like one of the masses. Aside from my growing boredom I was perfectly fine.
And as you would have it, the peacocks, had to peacock. It started with one back fire from the exhaust of a Miata. The crowds gathered, and the attention starved youngster got a taste of what he craved. So he tried it again, and did it once more. More people gathered.
At first, I was content, I was passive. There was nothing to worry about, I saw it happening, I knew it was happening. I was golden, pony boy.
But it wasn't enough for him, he had to spread his tail feathers big and bold.
The Miata and its owner were thirsty. They drank up the attention and let loose. Back firing over and over again. Faster and faster.
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
I was back there. I went from passively ignoring it, to it ripping me from the meet and sending me away.
I did not black out, I did not fall over, I did not cough and gasp for air like I usually do though. This time was different. All of my demons were a flurry, angry and fighting. Like a raging bear awoken from hibernation too early, my demons lashed out. Through the haze that I was in before hand, I was able to stay conscience and speak.
My care giver was at first transfixed as everyone else was with the tuned out car. I looked to her, I tried to say something, but no words came. I saw how slowly it clicked in her mind. It started in her shoulders, I watched as they bunched up and tightened. She said something. I couldn't hear her.
I felt my chest tighten and my breath was taken, I fought to breathe.
"Are you ok?"
"No."
The response came without thought, there was no debate, there was no inner monologue pointing out reason to protect her from everything I was experiencing.
"Did you want to leave?"
"No." There it was again, no thought, just response. It was the truth, I remember thinking, I didn't want to be the reason her night was cut short.
"Did you need to go sit down?"
"Yes." I turned and walked away.
Everything around me was a blur. I remember people talking, I remember "Ooooh no someone's been shot", I can't remember if it was a joke or not, but it stuck to me like glue.
I sat in the car, I shook, I was burning up. I wanted to cry, I felt so weak, so helpless. My hands grabbed for my weapon, my arms kept rising in an effort to look down the barrel.
I had to go for a walk. I couldn't sit there. About my 3rd lap of the McDonalds, I saw my SO walking towards the car. We left, and I felt like shit. I knew it was my fault we were leaving. I had ruined her night.
I shut down on the way home, she kept me linked to this world by holding my hand and never letting me drift too far. But my mind tried to run.
Lesson learned, there is no quick fix for PTSD, yes I found a tool to aid me in my fight. But I am not cured. I thought I was and I let my walls down. I was so hopeful, so thirsty for freedom that when presented with a glimmer of dawn, I dropped my guard and took an arrow to the knee.
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