Relationships, I've ruined plenty

This is a hard topic to talk about, I have ruined several relationships. On darker days, I blame myself and tell myself it was doomed from the beginning.

But they weren't doomed, people with PTSD at times are not fully there, and those without are unable to grasp this notion. I know that it can be difficult for those that love and care for people afflicted with PTSD, they want nothing but to help, and comfort them. They want to give anything to make the people they love, whole again.

This is the hardest thing for me to understand, when having an episode. I feel like the emotional outcries of those around me are small and insignificant compared to horrors I know are happening right now, as you read this. I know that sounds harsh and cold hearted, but when I am in the firm grip of anxiety it makes sense and is the resounding truth of my life.

When I have calmed down, and my triggers are gone, I feel terrible for feeling that way. I become so emotionally dead I hurt those around me, and myself. PTSD affects all aspects of life, my emotions, fears, thoughts, and senses have all become liars. Liars to me, and to those around me. I am not weak for having PTSD, I am too strong because of it. I am unable to let go of my memories and my fears. Because of that I have hurt others, and for that, I am sorry.

But with each and every day I grow, and learn to love who I am once again. The lesson of letting others in is still being learned, but I am coming around.

I will not let this be the end of me, and I hope you do not either. Never give up hope, never give in, fight til you win.