Triggers: Not all are seen, or heard

Triggers are an odd topic, for each of us they can be anything, at any time.

Personally, my triggers are sounds, sights, and smells. My hearing is damaged so hearing is both the easiest to deal with, and the most troublesome of my trigger.

I can still tell the difference between a gunshot and a backfiring muffler. But when I am with someone, I have issues decoding what they are saying from the muddled muffle sounds they make as they talk. Kind of like in Charlie Brown whenever parents or teachers spoke.

For me, things like music therapy or guided meditation don't work because I can't hear as well as I once was able to. But when triggers are present, shouting, shooting, even grinding noises will trigger memories. When that happens I am gone, I am back there.

Music has lost its luster, even the songs I once loved are muffled and drowned out. But when those triggers come, I can hear it all again. The shouting, the gunfire, the vehicle breaks, bolts slamming into place. the ring of brass as it lands on the rocks below.

I say it's the easiest to deal with because of my impairment, at times I can force myself to ignore the triggers. Other times I am unable to focus on anything else because those sounds are so clear. The sounds that trigger my episodes are more than just sounds, they induce a sense of panic, and my entire body becomes alert and on edge. I instantly feel the air rushing past my face, my hands feel the grime and sweat of the day's work. My hairs stand on end, and my vision blurs to the point of almost tunnel vision.

All those sensations add to the first trigger and set off more. Like a daisy chain of an IED, first there's a loud bang, then reflections from nearby lights dance across my vision, my skin becomes too tight for my own body, and I am spirited away.

I will not lie and say I am scared of this transition, on some level I love it. Because as scary as it is, I know I am going back to where it all makes sense. I am going back to where life is black and white, I am going back to where I feel most at home. I am going back to where I never left.





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