For the longest time, I thought madness was creeping up on me, stealing my sanity bit by bit. Because of my past, gunfire, and explosions are my biggest triggers. I tried for the longest time to carry on as if nothing had changed as if I were the same old person I was before.
I went to the range, I watched military movies, I carried on. But it became harder and harder to hide my sanity siphoning out of me. Over time, I would lash out, at those who loved me. I still do that, even though I do not mean to.
Every trigger brought with it ghosts. Ghosts of my past, of my nightmares, of my dark secret. I refused to admit anything was wrong, and I refused to admit that I saw them. Men fully locked and loaded, taps on my shoulder letting me know my fire team was stacked and ready.
A door slams, I'm there, a door gets kicked in and the room is cleared.
A gun is fired, I'm there, my Captain is yelling at me to keep my eyes on the road I didn't know was there. I'm leading a convoy again.
A car backfires, I am there once again, the alleyway leads up on both sides. Three stories up, the sky is a soft tan, a sandstorm is coming. Dark fabric keeps jutting in and out over the edge of the roof.
A small child cries, I am back again checking in, a small girl no more than 15 is lying in the gutter. Shards of glass ripped through her face, an ungodly moan escapes her mouth as she chokes on blood.
A balloon pops, and I am back once more. Running from my chu (Containerized Housing Unit), in nothing but boots, underwear, and a helmet with my weapon at the ready.
All of this I hide for years, til I broke. I feared that the world I was watching was not reality. It couldn't be, there was no way. How could a four-year-old girl send me back to Iraq with just her tears? How could a day at the ranges lead to all that blood again?
I was losing my mind, and instead of getting help, I hid it. And lost my family. My friends. My sanity.
If you have, or someone you know has PTSD, get help. If you THINK you have it, get help.
I am still struggling with the visions. I live with the ghosts even to this day. I see them, they know I do, but I am finding a way to combat them. Day by day, they are sensing this and leaving little by little.
I went to the range, I watched military movies, I carried on. But it became harder and harder to hide my sanity siphoning out of me. Over time, I would lash out, at those who loved me. I still do that, even though I do not mean to.
Every trigger brought with it ghosts. Ghosts of my past, of my nightmares, of my dark secret. I refused to admit anything was wrong, and I refused to admit that I saw them. Men fully locked and loaded, taps on my shoulder letting me know my fire team was stacked and ready.
A door slams, I'm there, a door gets kicked in and the room is cleared.
A gun is fired, I'm there, my Captain is yelling at me to keep my eyes on the road I didn't know was there. I'm leading a convoy again.
A car backfires, I am there once again, the alleyway leads up on both sides. Three stories up, the sky is a soft tan, a sandstorm is coming. Dark fabric keeps jutting in and out over the edge of the roof.
A small child cries, I am back again checking in, a small girl no more than 15 is lying in the gutter. Shards of glass ripped through her face, an ungodly moan escapes her mouth as she chokes on blood.
A balloon pops, and I am back once more. Running from my chu (Containerized Housing Unit), in nothing but boots, underwear, and a helmet with my weapon at the ready.
All of this I hide for years, til I broke. I feared that the world I was watching was not reality. It couldn't be, there was no way. How could a four-year-old girl send me back to Iraq with just her tears? How could a day at the ranges lead to all that blood again?
I was losing my mind, and instead of getting help, I hid it. And lost my family. My friends. My sanity.
If you have, or someone you know has PTSD, get help. If you THINK you have it, get help.
I am still struggling with the visions. I live with the ghosts even to this day. I see them, they know I do, but I am finding a way to combat them. Day by day, they are sensing this and leaving little by little.
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