I know I have been absent as of late. I am still alive and fighting. I promise.
Life has just taken a few turns and I'm along for the ride.
My care giver went out of town for a week or so, and I started a new job. So I got sucked into the excitement of a new career, and forgot everything else.
Yea, I am writing this post, admitting to my faults. I forgot to take my medication. I forgot to take the trash out. I forgot to pay bills, and my internet got shut off. I forgot to eat. And I forgot to drink water, I work in the desert now. So water is more important.
I am posting this on my mobile now, my caregiver and I are working on getting things back in order. I still don't know when things started going downhill because I was so focused on my new job, and stress was piling up.
I hate the fact that I am helpless sometimes with things that others find so easy.
I am more upset with myself right now, than she is at me. She just rolled her eyes and carried on. But inside I am angry and frustrated.
I'm not lazy or crazy. But when I look back I think I could have done more. I just can't think of what else I could have done. I fear my mind is slipping, and I am losing touch with reality.
I tell myself not to be mad at my actions. Or lack there of. But I am, I am mad at myself. I feel like I let people down. And now my depression is on the rise.
I love my new job, I truly do. So I have my highs and lows. My highs are when I'm at work. My lows come with the two hours of travel to and from work. I spend that time in silence beating myself up.
The medication I am on is working. I haven't had a moment or thought where I considered death as an option. But the silence is my new enemy.
Please don't be mad. I tell myself.
Please don't be mad, I ask my caregiver.
But fear is creeping in, and I fear I am mad, I fear she is as well.
Life has just taken a few turns and I'm along for the ride.
My care giver went out of town for a week or so, and I started a new job. So I got sucked into the excitement of a new career, and forgot everything else.
Yea, I am writing this post, admitting to my faults. I forgot to take my medication. I forgot to take the trash out. I forgot to pay bills, and my internet got shut off. I forgot to eat. And I forgot to drink water, I work in the desert now. So water is more important.
I am posting this on my mobile now, my caregiver and I are working on getting things back in order. I still don't know when things started going downhill because I was so focused on my new job, and stress was piling up.
I hate the fact that I am helpless sometimes with things that others find so easy.
I am more upset with myself right now, than she is at me. She just rolled her eyes and carried on. But inside I am angry and frustrated.
I'm not lazy or crazy. But when I look back I think I could have done more. I just can't think of what else I could have done. I fear my mind is slipping, and I am losing touch with reality.
I tell myself not to be mad at my actions. Or lack there of. But I am, I am mad at myself. I feel like I let people down. And now my depression is on the rise.
I love my new job, I truly do. So I have my highs and lows. My highs are when I'm at work. My lows come with the two hours of travel to and from work. I spend that time in silence beating myself up.
The medication I am on is working. I haven't had a moment or thought where I considered death as an option. But the silence is my new enemy.
Please don't be mad. I tell myself.
Please don't be mad, I ask my caregiver.
But fear is creeping in, and I fear I am mad, I fear she is as well.
Sometimes I enjoy the silence of my commute: much shorter than yours at 30 minutes one way. It's my space to work things out without the distraction of other people needing my attention RIGHT NOW! But sometimes I want my mind to wander elsewhere: which is why I love Audiobooks. You don't have to purchase them (although I often do on Amazon to get what I'm interested in) as most Library's lend them. (And many of mine end up donated to the Library when I'm done).
ReplyDeleteThose books are like feeding my soul and my sense of humor: you might want to try it. Either way, keep moving on.
I am, sorry for the long wait, but I had to wait for things to get in order.
DeleteThank you, I do enjoy the ride, I have a CD just waiting in the radio, but I never play it. I can't even remember who it is. I enjoy, and need the silence.