Just when I grab ahold of hope once more, I get over eager and squeeze too tightly. I hold on and I pour myself into it, even when I shouldn't.
I am not better, I am not fixed. I have been dealing with a building storm. Hoping, and praying to any who would listen. But no reply came, no reply ever comes. My knees bleed, and my hands ache from begging and praying for my old life back. To be normal for one more minute. Just 60 whole seconds of normality is all I beg of you.
But the wailing of the winds are all I hear, empty, cruel winds.
How does one have faith in something that doesn't exist? You fool yourself into believing it. That's how. There is no cure, only a life long curse. There is no magic pill, just the paranoid voices forcing you to swallow your own madness. There is no treatment, just the way others treat you. There is no going home and sleeping it off, only the nightmares that drive you from anywhere safe and warm.
If I could cry, I would rain the icy shards of my shattered soul. My mind own stop running down the river beds of my fears. If I could cry I would know that I were still human. But I can not. I can not cry, the pain within dams up everything within.
Am I no longer human? Have I lost my humanity, that undefinable piece of your soul that makes you like everyone else?
I live in shame, of my actions, and my words. I live in shame that I lost my empathy for my fellow man. I live in doubt of my own sanity. Am I living if I am an empty shell of who I was? Am I worth saving?
On dark days I curse hope for making me believe in something I can not see. On good days I pray to deaf ears that hope is leading me to a safe place. In my heart I know neither are true, and neither are a lie. The world is not black and white, it is a foggy gray.
I am a boat lost at sea with no spot light.
I am not better, I am not fixed. I have been dealing with a building storm. Hoping, and praying to any who would listen. But no reply came, no reply ever comes. My knees bleed, and my hands ache from begging and praying for my old life back. To be normal for one more minute. Just 60 whole seconds of normality is all I beg of you.
But the wailing of the winds are all I hear, empty, cruel winds.
How does one have faith in something that doesn't exist? You fool yourself into believing it. That's how. There is no cure, only a life long curse. There is no magic pill, just the paranoid voices forcing you to swallow your own madness. There is no treatment, just the way others treat you. There is no going home and sleeping it off, only the nightmares that drive you from anywhere safe and warm.
If I could cry, I would rain the icy shards of my shattered soul. My mind own stop running down the river beds of my fears. If I could cry I would know that I were still human. But I can not. I can not cry, the pain within dams up everything within.
Am I no longer human? Have I lost my humanity, that undefinable piece of your soul that makes you like everyone else?
I live in shame, of my actions, and my words. I live in shame that I lost my empathy for my fellow man. I live in doubt of my own sanity. Am I living if I am an empty shell of who I was? Am I worth saving?
On dark days I curse hope for making me believe in something I can not see. On good days I pray to deaf ears that hope is leading me to a safe place. In my heart I know neither are true, and neither are a lie. The world is not black and white, it is a foggy gray.
I am a boat lost at sea with no spot light.
I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now. I hope you'll continue to hold on and work through it.
ReplyDeleteAll I can share is that I once complained my prayers weren't being answered and I was told, "Sometimes we don't "hear" an answer because we aren't getting the answer we want. Sometimes we need to learn to rephrase the question to seek guidance..because sometimes our prayers sound like a list of demands. Then we need to shut up and get out of our way."
Here's wishing you some peace while you search for your answers.
Just checking in to see if things are better. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late reply, no things are not getting better.
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