Is this reality?

There are those of us with PTSD that either distance ourselves from everyone or chose a small group of people to trust. I am the latter of the two. I have an inner circle of people who I trust, and rely on when things are too dark for me to handle.

These people are my core group, the foundation of my success, and the light in the dark.

I try to balance my emotions with them, even though some days it is harder than others. On good days I have to maintain a certain level of anger. If I don't I spend my two hour drive home in tears. Tears of fear, of regret, depression. If I can maintain the set level of anger I can counter act my fears. I can remain hopeful on the outside. I can appear normal.

Sometimes the anger I maintain is sometimes directed, and over flows at the ones I keep close. Sometimes my fears let loose the anger on purpose. I have a fear, that has been with me since my event. It is a simple one: What if everything around me is a figment of my imagination, and everything I have ever experienced has all been in my head. What if I am actually laying in a bed in some psych ward somewhere being pumped full of medication just to maintain this false reality.

Crazy, right? I was told once that that is a pretty common fear. That did not help. It made me think that if other people have that fear, then maybe they were all just having my fear that I projected to the rest of the world, in my false reality, subconsciously. On top of that maybe my subconscious mind was making the doctor say that so I would know that I was safe here in this mad up world.

So I struggle with that fear daily. When things in my life happen, when things get bad that is the fear that likes to take over. That is the fear that likes to let loose my anger and frustration upon my close circle. This is the fear that makes being called crazy turn into a trigger. This is the fear that makes that word hurt so much.

I am not crazy, I am just hurting.