Thursday, May 28, 2015

I got laid off today.

On the eve of the darkest day yet, I was informed that tomorrow will be my last day the company I have been working for for over a year now. It is so very few that we find a job that we truly love. I love my job, the people, the work, the security.

I have talked before about how people with PTSD do not do well with uncertainty, we do better with structure and routine. Part of that is because when we see a routine we know all is well, it makes it easier to spot the odd duck out, the one following us. It's like this:

101010101012101010101

Pretty easy to see the odd one out right? Well that is how it is for people with PTSD, but instead of 1's and 0's we the small red head with freckles on her nose walking her dogs on the right side of the rode. We see the Latin FedEx guy going north on his route, we see the old man sitting in the park feeding pigeons, and the three older women that speed walk in the park waving hi to him as they do every morning.

Now when there is something out of place, say a new Mercedes parked under a tree. There are those that would think, "wow that's a nice car", those with PTSD do not think that. At all. No, instead we think, Black, four door, Mercedes, chrome trim, one drive, male 25-35, sunglasses, no plates just dealer plates, John Hine (random dealership), etc.

You get the point. (And yes not everyone with PTSD does this, but A LOT do.)

So even though we all do this, and it may seem crazy to others that we do, it makes us feel safe. Tomorrow will be my last day driving the two hour commute to work. Tomorrow will be the last time I see the blue Hyundai with the little old black lady behind the wheel, with the licence plate 02 Blue (still have yet to figure out what that means).

Tomorrow will be the last time I sit in traffic with the terrible driver from Debbie's Delites (not the real name of the catering place, but seriously they suck at driving and made me never want to order their services).

Tomorrow will be the last time I see all of the cars I have spent a year making sure the pattern was there. I do not like that. But it isn't the traffic I don't like, cause God knows I hate that!!! No it is the security I found in the routine of my daily commute. For four hours a day, I wasn't in control of anything, but nothing was amiss either. For four hours a day I could go with the flow and the flow was the same every day.

I will miss the security, and the routine. I was in a good place, I was in a good job. Tomorrow we will see if I can maintain a little longer, and keep living life even when the stressors are too much to handle. Tomorrow I will be tested.  

3 comments :

  1. I'm so sorry. Sending good thoughts that you find something that fits you and your skills.

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    Replies
    1. Blogger went screwy for a moment. (Above post is from me).Hang in there and know something better might just be waiting around the corner.

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  2. It's alright blogger does go crazy every once in a while, and things will turn around, they always do. I just have to hold it together until they do and hope and pray that I can make this months rent lol

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