Today started like any other, and if you like me have insomnia, today was actually just a longer yesterday. I was up late, 4 A.M.-ish, thoughts racing, worry over flowing, and tension on high alert. I laid in bed, with the S.O. sleeping soundly next to me, B was as usual curled up on my side, and her (the SO's) new kitten and its bothersome brother playing between us.
After several hours of balancing my attempt to sleep, and the animals needing attention, I passed out and woke up at 7, I was instantly alive, and aware. My S.O. was a little hung over, so she was in no mood to get up :) But she hopped up and made an amazing breakfast as usual. Then I set off to work, I was still tired but I had to keep fighting.
Friday after work, I felt my own demons rising, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would have issues. I can't be the only one that can sometimes feel the wave of depression, or anxiety, or that darkness that comes with PTSD. I dealt with it Saturday as best I could, I stayed ahead of my demons. I was on alert, but on alert for my own fears more than anything.
I set my mind to a task, I difficult one, one that I had never done before. The idea is simple:
Find a project, any project. Woodworking, sculpting, something to do with your car. Anything you've never done before. Find a picture, and do it. That's it. No research, no training. You dive in head first and focus on it with everything. And then you find a way to make it more difficult.
For me it was woodworking, I have done woodworking in the past but this was something new for me. I had to build something I would never make any other way, and I had to use as little materials as possible. So from Saturday morning to Sunday night that is what I did. I discovered things about myself, and I fought the demons by giving them no quarter in my mind.
Since I have started this Blog, I have come to realize that if I go back and read my other posts i can see when I was most effected by my symptoms. I have noticed that because I write about them, I tend to dwell on them more, and I allow them to wreck my vision of the world around me. PTSD comes like waves, it is always there, but some days are worse and some days are better. Just like the waves they can turn on us and throw a storm our way.
I have been doing really well lately, I haven't had any nightmares, or moments of paranoia. I have been sleeping well, and even my mood has improved. But like most waves they leave and then return. Friday my tide was on the rise. I fought and I found a way to push the waters back. My body is sore, my mind aches, and my soul feels tired, but I can say that I won this battle.
I am tempted to call this a "prolonged attempt at aversion", but for now I am going to hope that I really did win this time. Because if I didn't then I must prepare for it's return.
After several hours of balancing my attempt to sleep, and the animals needing attention, I passed out and woke up at 7, I was instantly alive, and aware. My S.O. was a little hung over, so she was in no mood to get up :) But she hopped up and made an amazing breakfast as usual. Then I set off to work, I was still tired but I had to keep fighting.
Friday after work, I felt my own demons rising, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would have issues. I can't be the only one that can sometimes feel the wave of depression, or anxiety, or that darkness that comes with PTSD. I dealt with it Saturday as best I could, I stayed ahead of my demons. I was on alert, but on alert for my own fears more than anything.
I set my mind to a task, I difficult one, one that I had never done before. The idea is simple:
Find a project, any project. Woodworking, sculpting, something to do with your car. Anything you've never done before. Find a picture, and do it. That's it. No research, no training. You dive in head first and focus on it with everything. And then you find a way to make it more difficult.
For me it was woodworking, I have done woodworking in the past but this was something new for me. I had to build something I would never make any other way, and I had to use as little materials as possible. So from Saturday morning to Sunday night that is what I did. I discovered things about myself, and I fought the demons by giving them no quarter in my mind.
Since I have started this Blog, I have come to realize that if I go back and read my other posts i can see when I was most effected by my symptoms. I have noticed that because I write about them, I tend to dwell on them more, and I allow them to wreck my vision of the world around me. PTSD comes like waves, it is always there, but some days are worse and some days are better. Just like the waves they can turn on us and throw a storm our way.
I have been doing really well lately, I haven't had any nightmares, or moments of paranoia. I have been sleeping well, and even my mood has improved. But like most waves they leave and then return. Friday my tide was on the rise. I fought and I found a way to push the waters back. My body is sore, my mind aches, and my soul feels tired, but I can say that I won this battle.
I am tempted to call this a "prolonged attempt at aversion", but for now I am going to hope that I really did win this time. Because if I didn't then I must prepare for it's return.
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