If this post seems lost or hazy or even confusing I apologize up front.
Today is the day that I have felt brewing, I have sensed it for over a week now, everything is to much to take. The birds chirping outside, the sun shining on my face, the wind through my window as I drove home. All of my senses are too much today. I am constantly reminded of my events. I have yet to have a flashback, but I feel them on the edge of my mind.
I am jumping at everything, and everyone one. Everything is scaring me, as if it were the first time I have ever laid eyes upon it. I do not recognize my own image in the mirror. My anxiety is racing, dragging my heart at 1000 beats a second. My hands ache, and my body is sore. I want to run away, and hide in the nearest darkest hole. I want to fight everyone and everything that gets near me, and I want it all to go away. I want, no I need someone to make it all go away.
I am strong, I know this, but I can't do it today. I want it all to end. I want that barrel in my mouth, and I want that ringing to signal the end of the pain. End of the nightmares. The pain and self loathing are beyond palpable, I test the bitter filth of my own lacking. I can smell my own nerves curling in the heat of my own misery.
Every sound is the sound of shots fired, or explosions in the distance. The sound of the neighborhood cats howling at each other are like sirens in desperate need to thrash my mind on the rocks of my past. Dogs barking, doors slamming, my ears are assaulted with violent memories. My eyes fight to close as I drive home, the flashing of lights, and reflections are causing me to ride the carousel between the here and now, and the then and gone.
It is all just too much to take today, I have fought the good fight for a long time. I will survive this day, even though I truly do not wish to.
Stay strong, even in the days like this.
Today is the day that I have felt brewing, I have sensed it for over a week now, everything is to much to take. The birds chirping outside, the sun shining on my face, the wind through my window as I drove home. All of my senses are too much today. I am constantly reminded of my events. I have yet to have a flashback, but I feel them on the edge of my mind.
I am jumping at everything, and everyone one. Everything is scaring me, as if it were the first time I have ever laid eyes upon it. I do not recognize my own image in the mirror. My anxiety is racing, dragging my heart at 1000 beats a second. My hands ache, and my body is sore. I want to run away, and hide in the nearest darkest hole. I want to fight everyone and everything that gets near me, and I want it all to go away. I want, no I need someone to make it all go away.
I am strong, I know this, but I can't do it today. I want it all to end. I want that barrel in my mouth, and I want that ringing to signal the end of the pain. End of the nightmares. The pain and self loathing are beyond palpable, I test the bitter filth of my own lacking. I can smell my own nerves curling in the heat of my own misery.
Every sound is the sound of shots fired, or explosions in the distance. The sound of the neighborhood cats howling at each other are like sirens in desperate need to thrash my mind on the rocks of my past. Dogs barking, doors slamming, my ears are assaulted with violent memories. My eyes fight to close as I drive home, the flashing of lights, and reflections are causing me to ride the carousel between the here and now, and the then and gone.
It is all just too much to take today, I have fought the good fight for a long time. I will survive this day, even though I truly do not wish to.
Stay strong, even in the days like this.
Just checking in to make sure you made it through the night. One step at a time. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteI survived the night :) Thank you, I know I can do it, I just hate to admit it. Sometimes the idea of giving it all up seems so sweet and inviting. Some days I just wish I could, but I know I can't. Ever.
DeleteElijah, reading this entry I realise you typed up such a moving reply to my 'disappeared friend'- comment yesterday, on such a hellish day. Thank you, thank you, for that effort. Someone who can string words together so fiercely and beautifully has no business putting a barrel in his mouth. Trauma is a mess I know, I'm no stranger to it. Childhood abuse, car crash, abandonment and more of the fun stuff - made me disappear down a deep rabbit hole twice, once for 5 years, next time for 7. Plus chronic pain; And everything turns to quicksand, and the endless grey, raw depression, and the hypersensitivity which makes your environment torture, noise and lights and everything. But there is an other side to get to, you can climb your way to the light. I did it, despite still having pain, still not dealing with noise - mentally, I largely freed myself from the past and felt solid ground again. Colours return, sun still shines. Also: you have a significant other. And a dog. You help others in moments when the demons are on your back, tormenting you. You allow new life to happen, heart connections to form. So many people with ptsd can't do that, their souls atrophy in isolation and their life gets narrower and narrower. This blog shows your resilience, your ability to deal with rotten emotions. Such an important quality, so necessary to get out of the hole. Hang on, hang on, earth needs you. If you ever need to talk, I'll listen, and whatever I can contribute (laurcross@gmail.com). I'll look through your old posts and look forward to new ones. Stay strong, even in days like these, as these too shall pass. And bearable days will come. And better ones, and then better ones...
ReplyDelete"Someone who can string words together so fiercely and beautifully has no business putting a barrel in his mouth." I am going to consider this a rave review of my writing even though it is a bit dark, considering the topic lol
DeleteThank you for your kind words. I will be sure to add you to my contacts asap, I usually have a people who come to me to unload, I never thought of having anyone to do that to :)
I am in a better place today, considering today's events.
That was a rave review Elijah, and trust me on this topic - I'm a professional critic :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, do unload when needed, my offer is sincere. Some days it can make all the difference.