Sometimes in life we are able to manage stress, sometimes we laugh it off. Other times stress can bring us to the brink of sanity, and leave us there to titter.
Today was a day where stress was something in the middle for me.
My job is on a contract basis, and that contract is ending soon. I haven't had a call in months for an interview, and I am submitting my resume for up to 80 jobs a day. My tire blew out yesterday, not just pop and I had to change it. Oh, no. Something ripped a hole in the side wall of the tire as I was driving to a doctors appointment that I was 2 hours late too, after it taking 4 months to finally get. I was late because after I spent 10 mins changing it and putting the spare on I pulled back out into traffic and the spare tire came off the rim.
Amazing luck right? lol
Well I woke up today, with all that on my mind, and I went to work. Then it hit me, in two weeks time, I will once again be jobless. I had some money saved up for this, but with missing work and bills piling up it disappeared, magically.
I have had some dark thoughts today, but the stress hasn't made it impossible to function. Now that I am thinking clearer, I am able to think back and realize that as stress increased, so did my symptoms of PTSD. I know this seems like pretty common sense things here. But that is just it, when PTSD has you, there is no such thing as common sense. Because common PTSD sense says that THERE REALLY is someone following you. Common PTSD sense says, "Yes they are talking about you, they are plotting against you". Your logical voice can yell and scream all it wants, but it won't win.
All that bad luck, and all that stress, and I didn't lose it. I didn't break down. I wanted to, oh I wanted to so bad. I still had thoughts that if I ever shared I may have eyebrows raised, and have my medication increased to a steady drip of tranquilizers lolol
But I didn't give into those thoughts. I set them aside and made them wait their turn for my attention. The demons had to wait their turn today. I was beyond exhausted when I left work, I had spent my day racing to get things done, and fighting my demons. Physically, and mentally I was not able to carry on. But I did.
And I will. Each day is a new battle, and each night is a new victory. Every night I make it to my bed, and lay my head down, I know I've won today. If you've read my previous posts you'd know how partial I am to my pillows. Every day I wake up and my first thought is "here we go again".
"Here we go again."
What a powerful phrase, here I am again to wrestle my demons one more time. Here I am again standing above my scars, and wounds. Here I am again, today. Here I am again, ready and willing. Here I am again breathing, and spending my time alive.
So here's to all your "again's". May we share them for a long time coming. May we wake up everyday after our tires explode, and our jobs end. May I always be able to connect with you and write.
Today was a day where stress was something in the middle for me.
My job is on a contract basis, and that contract is ending soon. I haven't had a call in months for an interview, and I am submitting my resume for up to 80 jobs a day. My tire blew out yesterday, not just pop and I had to change it. Oh, no. Something ripped a hole in the side wall of the tire as I was driving to a doctors appointment that I was 2 hours late too, after it taking 4 months to finally get. I was late because after I spent 10 mins changing it and putting the spare on I pulled back out into traffic and the spare tire came off the rim.
Amazing luck right? lol
Well I woke up today, with all that on my mind, and I went to work. Then it hit me, in two weeks time, I will once again be jobless. I had some money saved up for this, but with missing work and bills piling up it disappeared, magically.
I have had some dark thoughts today, but the stress hasn't made it impossible to function. Now that I am thinking clearer, I am able to think back and realize that as stress increased, so did my symptoms of PTSD. I know this seems like pretty common sense things here. But that is just it, when PTSD has you, there is no such thing as common sense. Because common PTSD sense says that THERE REALLY is someone following you. Common PTSD sense says, "Yes they are talking about you, they are plotting against you". Your logical voice can yell and scream all it wants, but it won't win.
All that bad luck, and all that stress, and I didn't lose it. I didn't break down. I wanted to, oh I wanted to so bad. I still had thoughts that if I ever shared I may have eyebrows raised, and have my medication increased to a steady drip of tranquilizers lolol
But I didn't give into those thoughts. I set them aside and made them wait their turn for my attention. The demons had to wait their turn today. I was beyond exhausted when I left work, I had spent my day racing to get things done, and fighting my demons. Physically, and mentally I was not able to carry on. But I did.
And I will. Each day is a new battle, and each night is a new victory. Every night I make it to my bed, and lay my head down, I know I've won today. If you've read my previous posts you'd know how partial I am to my pillows. Every day I wake up and my first thought is "here we go again".
"Here we go again."
What a powerful phrase, here I am again to wrestle my demons one more time. Here I am again standing above my scars, and wounds. Here I am again, today. Here I am again, ready and willing. Here I am again breathing, and spending my time alive.
So here's to all your "again's". May we share them for a long time coming. May we wake up everyday after our tires explode, and our jobs end. May I always be able to connect with you and write.
Yes may we and yes, may you.
ReplyDeleteAs I type this comment (reading your blog from recent to older posts) I know that difficult 'lay-off day'has just happened. Means the connecting and writing is more important than ever. May you write your way out of this transitional period ...if nothing else, the writing is a routine (and discipline) and routine is good...