What was her name again?

Before I had PTSD I used to remember everything, dates, phone numbers, addresses, I even knew PI to 15 places.

Now, I'm lucky if I remember to pay the power bill. It's not that I don't remember I have to pay it, it's just that each time I go to pay it I forget what I was doing. PTSD has robbed me of my dignity, I need help doing things that I can't even remember need doing. 

Like a small child, I need constant reminders of simple tasks that need doing. I know I annoy people with this, but I can't help it. My mind is like a torrent of anxiety, fear, constant vigilance, and plans of how to escape if, for some reason, the government stormed my house to drag me back into the army. I know these thoughts are without basis, and grounded in irrational fears, but they are loud enough that they drown out my responsibilities and  cause frustration to those around me. 

I know that I am fighting through a fog in my mind, but I can no longer even remember the goal of that fight. On days, like today, I am frightened because I can't even remember the name of the woman I am with. It isn't her fault, I know I know it. I just can't find it. On days like today, I want to cry out for help but my fear keeps me from trusting those who would help me. 

I know it is hard to take care of grown child. I know it is difficult to be with me, when I am so broken. Hell, it's hard for me, to be with me most of the time. I forget my own stuff and get frustrated with myself.

I am still me, just lost in a fog that will take time for me to navigate. I fear that someday I will be abandoned because no one can stand the way I have become over the years. Many a time have I abandoned myself. I can not promise that I will not abandon myself again. I can only live each day as it was meant, anew, fresh, without ties to the prior. 

I will win this battle, even if I don't remember the victory.


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