I am so tired of it all

Every day my day begins with a quick scan of my surroundings if anything is out of place or moved from the night before I instantly am on alert, and my heart begins its race.

I pull out of my driveway and scan the road. I live on a cul de sac, but I still scan left to right, right to left. Over and over. Any new cars, I am instantly wary. On my street, we have seven cars whose license plates begin with 6, three cars that begin with "A" and a P, 0, and a 1. If there are any other cars I instantly memorize the license plate, in case I need to call the cops. I keep my phone on the seat next to me, I watch the cars behind me.

I park in the same spot every day, it's a spot that allows me to view six entrances to my office building.

I take different routes to and from work and home. I stop at the same spot in the morning so I am seen on camera, to create a time stamp.

I stopped drinking because I am afraid of the secrets I will let loose when drunk.

I keep my medication on me at all times, so they can't be tampered with. I don't take pills I can't verify what they are.

I am so tired of it all.

I am tired of the counting and the tracking vehicles that aren't actually tracking me.

I am tired of turning over in the middle of the night and having to check the door to my room.

I am tired of the restless, sleepless nights,

I am tired of always watching, never resting.