I have ran away from things that I can no longer process or deal with, that I was once able to. I used to be able to deal with people, and the way they can be. I used to be able to deal with my family, and the particular and peculiar way they are. I am no longer able to, the frustration and anxiety is far too great.
It is hard to tell the ones you love that everything they do is rubbing you the wrong way. How they are is enough to trigger something deep inside that makes you want to yell and scream and fight. It's hard, for them to understand how you have changed how you aren't the same person they once knew. It's hard to express how they used to make you smile, but now you want to run away and brood.
And so instead of breaking the hearts of those you love, you disappear, and you run. You run and you run, and you run. You run til that is all you know, you run when you don't need to. You leave a trail of broken and battered piece of a life you wish you had back but are no longer able to reclaim.
The avoidance turns to isolation and isolation turn to desperation. Desperation leads to destruction and your world crumbles. You run, again. It's a cycle that repeats itself over and over again. The more you try to fix things the more you are tossed into situations you can't possibly handle. Then the running starts again, and your world collapses again.
When running becomes too great of a stressor for you, you explode and hurt everyone around you. Then the depression and self-hatred sets in. Once again you find yourself on a road you want nothing to do with, that leads to your own demise. So you disappear once more. You go missing, and the world forgets about you. Leaving you behind.
I came over from Max Harris' page to read your story. I was going to read one. I started at the beginning and read until the end. Wow. That's heartfelt, not judgmental.
ReplyDeleteWe have a non-profit charity where we provide archery equipment, at not charge, to wounded American soldiers as part of their rehab...which goes beyond physical. Like you, I'm more comfortable on paper but last year I was asked to speak at our fundraiser. Honestly, the only thing I remembered beyond explaining who we are and what we do is saying, "Soldiers are not a cog in a machine. They are the heartbeat which keeps us free."
I sincerely believe that. You are not a monster...you are stronger than me. Your employer asked you to handle, on my behalf, more than I could possibly even begin to imagine. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. But this is a two way street. You protected me, a stranger. It's my responsibility to do the same for you...by listening, learning and quietly cheering you on from the sidelines. Judgment free. May you find your peace. I'll be back to check on you.
Wow, Thank you. I am floored, this is so uplifting to see people positively affect by my writing. I honestly am just trying to heal, but when others join me for the journey, it strengthens our resolve, together. Together we can win. If you wouldn't mind linking max' stuff I'd like to give a shout out. Since he brought you here :)
ReplyDeleteMy computer is arguing with me and won't let me link from Max. (I'm K. Dault on his site.)
ReplyDeleteHowever, my blog is http://www.hope-theroadlesstraveled.blogspot.com and our charity website is www.cwwaf.com. See you further down the road of your journey...thanks for letting me tag along. :)
I checked out your blog and you charity. Both are amazing undertakings, thank you for your service to others. Thank you as well for spreading my blog, I will try to return the favor.
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