First off, I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday. Ok, now that that is out of the way, why didn't I post?
It is beyond tiring some days, to prepare my mind, body and soul for what it takes to write about PTSD. It is painful, as anyone with PTSD, can tell you. PTSD hurts physically, emotionally, and mentally every episode can be different, but they all leave us worn out and tired. To spend time dwelling on it, is like inviting it into your life. To relive those moments again, and again. It becomes all too real. Fighting those demons, defending my sanity from those sweet moments of insanity.
All of that while trying to connect with people who truly understand what it is like to be affected by PTSD. All the while trying to find the right words for those that suffer beside us, letting them know we really do care and love you. It is hard to struggle with one's demons and pour your soul out for the world to point at and examine. It takes a lot out of you to write about PTSD knowing that all it will take is a future employer to google my name and read all of my 'dirty laundry'.
Sometimes it all just enough to make you want to walk away. But I can't.
The same people who I rely on, rely on me to work through this. And so I write and heal. The nights I do not, are the nights that the battle is just too much. That the reality of it all is just too much, and I want to run. But I gave my word, and I can not betray that trust. And so I write, I write for my sanity and my life.
I write so that some day I can say "I beat that". I may never win this war, but I know that every battle I do win, is one that PTSD does not. There will be days when my spirit is broken, there may even be days where I feel as though I can not carry one, but I will. I will carry on because I can not, will not let PTSD win.
Never let PTSD win, together we can win.
It is beyond tiring some days, to prepare my mind, body and soul for what it takes to write about PTSD. It is painful, as anyone with PTSD, can tell you. PTSD hurts physically, emotionally, and mentally every episode can be different, but they all leave us worn out and tired. To spend time dwelling on it, is like inviting it into your life. To relive those moments again, and again. It becomes all too real. Fighting those demons, defending my sanity from those sweet moments of insanity.
All of that while trying to connect with people who truly understand what it is like to be affected by PTSD. All the while trying to find the right words for those that suffer beside us, letting them know we really do care and love you. It is hard to struggle with one's demons and pour your soul out for the world to point at and examine. It takes a lot out of you to write about PTSD knowing that all it will take is a future employer to google my name and read all of my 'dirty laundry'.
Sometimes it all just enough to make you want to walk away. But I can't.
The same people who I rely on, rely on me to work through this. And so I write and heal. The nights I do not, are the nights that the battle is just too much. That the reality of it all is just too much, and I want to run. But I gave my word, and I can not betray that trust. And so I write, I write for my sanity and my life.
I write so that some day I can say "I beat that". I may never win this war, but I know that every battle I do win, is one that PTSD does not. There will be days when my spirit is broken, there may even be days where I feel as though I can not carry one, but I will. I will carry on because I can not, will not let PTSD win.
Never let PTSD win, together we can win.
There comes a point where everyone needs a moment to just be silent and recharge. No need to apologize. I'm sure those of us who visit appreciate what you do share. Taking time for yourself is a part of the healing process...and it's best done without a side order of guilt. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, I really do appreciate everyone who does visit. And it is uplifting to share with all of you, and talk to you all throughout the day. There is no guilt, but I have reached a point, and reached a certain amount of people that I feel that I am making a difference. Small, but still a difference. So when I don't post I want people to know that I am still there, fighting. I just need a moment to recharge. Dealing with memories I have so long pushed away is tough, but needed. Thank you for your support.
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