There is no swag in personal courage

I have touched on triggers, and what they do to me. But I was asked what I do to cope with these things recently by a good friend. That is not an easy question because as service members and veterans we have been trained to deal with things and keep on rolling.

We don't deal with things like that, we don't "cope" we have them, we suffer with them, and we keep moving. Every so often I have days where every ounce of my being is screaming and kicking to curl up in a ball and fade away. But I don't, I can't, and won't. It's not in me, to give into those things. I spend my days in physical and emotional pain, all day every day, and I keep moving.

So my first answer to how I cope with things was "I don't" followed by my usual laughter to cover up the truth with humor. But the sad truth is I don't cope.

I have no method of coping. I was not trained to cope with PTSD, I was trained to keep going. I was trained to add PTSD to my rucksack of problems and keep on, keeping on.

Nowadays it seems like PTSD is part of your contract as a footnote at the end of an asterisk hidden at the bottom of your contract. With no promise of payment, treatment, or training on how to deal with PTSD. We are left to fend for ourselves in a world that has moved on without us. We have all the training in the world on how to become soldiers, killers, beasts of battle. But none to become human again. I make the joke that the off switch for the soldier was never included in the TM (Technical Manual) for us. But it is true, there is no section for us to learn how to deal with our training, and our lives after were out.

We have all the knowledge needed to mount a successful breach of fortified positions. We have all the skills necessary to survive, navigate, and traverse foreign terrain. All the laws of war are drilled into us.

But how do you quite the voices when all that training is useless. How do you calm the storm inside when all you have to do is clock in, and out. How do you stop the vigilance when you are no longer needed by your country. You can't clock out of Loyalty. There is no pill to make the symptoms of duty go away. There is no therapy for Respect. Selfless service isn't something I can wash away after a long days work. Honor isn't in the quarterly reports. Integrity isn't a double or single Windsor. There is no swag in personal courage.

So I'll continue to keep on, keeping on in a world that has moved on without us. In a world, I was ill equipt to deal with. In a world that values things that mean nothing to a man like me.

I'll just keep on doing what is expected of me. I deal with the fear and anxiety every second of every day. I walk on busted knees and broken ankles. I work, even though my hands that ache and strain with every movement. I take everything on my plate and put it in my ruck and mount up like I was trained to do.