Today I woke up and everything went wrong, the day started off horrible. Seven hours later it's still just as terrible.
Today is one of those days you wish you could wash away from the pages of history. But would settle with watching the world burn to ashes around. As B.B. King sings, 'the thrill is gone', so is the thrill I once possessed for life, and this world. I am trying to remember the good things, but it is difficult today.
There are no clouds in the sky today, but there is no sun for me either. I see no light ahead, no way out. I have been here before, I know the drill. I know the mantle I must dawn. If I am to survive I must plaster the fake smile across my lips. I must spray tan that little glitter in my eye so none can see the darkness swelling within. I must prepare the auto replies of "I am so happy today" or "Yea I'm ok, are you?"
Anything and everything will become my weapon to hide the darkness, my words, my actions, my movements. All will be used to redirect and deflect attention away from the demons within. Because even if they are my demons, and I fight them alone, I am fighting them for those around me. They can not, will not know of the pain and suffering I keep at bay.
Yes, today is a dark day indeed. It is time I dawned my armor, for the fight will be long and hard, I can feel it. I have been happy for far too long. It is time I paid for that happiness. Like warriors of old I will charge forth into battle, my survival is of my own making.
No demons may stay too long in these halls. No darkness may call this place home. I know that they will come and go, and I will be at peace for some time, followed by fighting once again. But I refuse to allow them any quarter in this life or the next.
Just remember you're not alone, no matter how hard the journey. One step at a time...many of us are out here, walking quietly by your side, wishing you peace, even if we're not sure how to convey it. Don't give up..ever!
ReplyDeleteKeep walking. You can do it.
Thank you, I am ok, and I know all that. But I was having a bad day and felt like I would share it since I am still unable to put it into words (spoken, not written). I find writing it out and forcing myself to share the feelings I want to hide, makes me very uncomfortable, so instead of avoiding them and letting them fester. I am forced to confront them, and deal with them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for everything, hope.