When I was in the Army, I hated it, but I loved it at the same time. There was a structure, a rhythm, there was a sense of purpose. When I got out, I carried that same sense of purpose with me. As it faded the problems I had been hiding came to the surface. I began to drift, my life began to fall apart.
Then I got the hand delivered note "requesting" my presence in Iraq. Before my life could unravel I was shipped away, and my issues were compacted upon. I came back with less drive and less purpose than ever.
It took years for me to realize that I needed to maintain a sense of duty, a sense of purpose. I needed to maintain a direction, a goal that I could focus on. The sense of purpose I have now; keeps my fears from taking over. Without purpose, we allow our fears to take over. There are days where I swear if I didn't have bills, if I didn't have people relying on me, if I had a support systems, I would roll over until the world disappeared and became no more.
But the fact that I have a purpose keeps me planting one foot in front of the hour after hour. My drive keeps me ahead of my fears, ahead of my demons. I am not running, I am done with that. I am charging at life, with arms wide open. I am no longer standing alone, fighting this disorder.
My advice may not be the easiest. Nothing with PTSD is ever easy. It will be hard. It will be difficult. That I can promise you. But I can also promise you this, there will be dark days and good days, and as long as you have your eyes focused on your goals. You will move past your fears.
For the longest time, I only went outside to go to school. As soon as I got home I would close and lock the door. I would close all the shades, and I would sit in the dark until the sun went down. I would venture outside once it was dark like a sickly animal.
I lost all my purpose, and my days got darker.
I tried to kill myself.
I failed.
But I found a new purpose and new life. Since I have come to terms with my own fears and my own issues, and have sought to heal. I have begun to heal, my fears have no room as I race forward. On to bigger and better things. My sense of purpose keeps me focused and healing.
Find your purpose, your drive, and let's heal together. Because together we can win, divided we fall.
Then I got the hand delivered note "requesting" my presence in Iraq. Before my life could unravel I was shipped away, and my issues were compacted upon. I came back with less drive and less purpose than ever.
It took years for me to realize that I needed to maintain a sense of duty, a sense of purpose. I needed to maintain a direction, a goal that I could focus on. The sense of purpose I have now; keeps my fears from taking over. Without purpose, we allow our fears to take over. There are days where I swear if I didn't have bills, if I didn't have people relying on me, if I had a support systems, I would roll over until the world disappeared and became no more.
But the fact that I have a purpose keeps me planting one foot in front of the hour after hour. My drive keeps me ahead of my fears, ahead of my demons. I am not running, I am done with that. I am charging at life, with arms wide open. I am no longer standing alone, fighting this disorder.
My advice may not be the easiest. Nothing with PTSD is ever easy. It will be hard. It will be difficult. That I can promise you. But I can also promise you this, there will be dark days and good days, and as long as you have your eyes focused on your goals. You will move past your fears.
For the longest time, I only went outside to go to school. As soon as I got home I would close and lock the door. I would close all the shades, and I would sit in the dark until the sun went down. I would venture outside once it was dark like a sickly animal.
I lost all my purpose, and my days got darker.
I tried to kill myself.
I failed.
But I found a new purpose and new life. Since I have come to terms with my own fears and my own issues, and have sought to heal. I have begun to heal, my fears have no room as I race forward. On to bigger and better things. My sense of purpose keeps me focused and healing.
Find your purpose, your drive, and let's heal together. Because together we can win, divided we fall.
When I was a kid, a teacher told us, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." We were all in the throes of raging hormones where the merest slight was a disaster.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet that idea always stayed with me. The thought that no matter how bad things were "right now", there was the knowledge that if I just kept going, sooner or later it would get better. After all, if you feel like you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up.
I hope that everyone who comes to visit you is not only inspired by your words, but are encouraged by the fact that putting one foot in front of the other, especially on the worse days, brings happiness another step closer. And everyone defines happiness in their own way. Most folks are not blind to pain; often they just don't know what to do to help. I say, "Listen". If we'd listen as much as we like to hear the sound of our own voice, we would understand so much more.
Keep talking. I'm listening.
I got a little emotional with that last line. Thank you, that is so uplifting.
DeleteIt is hard to realize that each step you take forward is a step away from the pain. It is true, instead of running from it, you are moving away from the darkness. Big difference.
As for the suicide saying, I have remembered that from my childhood as well. I think I'll write about it today, I have mixed feelings about it.
Thank you for your comments, and support.