Another friends post, home coming.

I live with two companions who sit on my left and right shoulder and whisper into my ear. One is named delusional while the other one is named rational. Delusional tries to convince me that I am still in a war zone while rational tells me that everything is okay and that I am safe at home. Though I tend to listen to rational more often, my quest is to silence delusional. I feel delusional’ s voice is getting weaker and growing more silent everyday while rational is growing in strength. I take comfort in locked doors and handguns for protection. I live with a heightened sense of awareness that I cannot control. In restaurants or crowded areas, I can feel the eyeballs staring at me as if laser beams are burning my forehead when I am being watched by someone. I sometimes cannot concentrate on conversations in restaurants and have to move to another booth. I am aware of all the vehicles around me when I am driving. I avoid those who drive recklessly and pay particular attention to those who tail me for an extended period of time. Rational tells me that everything is okay but delusional is always in my subconscious, whispering and lurking in the library of my mind.

Shortly after we arrived back in the United States, I said goodbye to my weapon which stayed with me throughout the deployment.  In my mind, my weapon represented my security. My weapon was something that could keep me alive to see my wife again. Throughout my time in Iraq, I stayed on guard and prepared my mind for anything that could go wrong. I knew where all the exits were and kept a keen eye on the friendly Iraqis around me. Our enemies hid among the good people of Iraq so we could not put our trust in anyone. I planned out in my head what I would do in all sorts of scenarios. Even in my bed at night I would think of what I would do if something went wrong. My weapon was always at an arm’s reach.  

The big day had arrived. We were returning home to the lives we left behind. In my mind, everything was normal and we were going to pick up the pieces where we left off. I didn’t think that I was any different than when I left and hoped that I could continue living my life the way I left it. I flew home in my uniform and met my family at the airport. Coming home was a surreal experience. I felt like it wasn’t real. The food that I desired and the people I missed were right in front of me. A welcome home BBQ was all set up for me when I arrived home. The first sign that everything was not normal was revealed that night.

BOOM!

The explosion hit with a hard punch. Nope, it was not an explosion. A football hit the side of the house. My step-brother and a friend were in the backyard throwing a football while I was enjoying some BBQ ribs in the dining room. My mother, step-father, and a few other people were at the dinner table with me. The football hit the wall and I was startled. This was something that didn't cause anyone else to flinch but my body reacted in a different way. Everyone at the table saw my reaction. I tried to play it off like it was nothing.

The deep sea is an environment that humans were not meant to survive in. To explore these environments, we invented breathing machines and submarines to travel to the far depths below the sea. When we leave the deep sea, we must go through a process of decompression. If our bodies do not go through a proper decompression process, this can lead to serious health problems and even cause death. As soldiers, we never had a decompression process when we came out of the war zone. We just turned in our gear and flew home. We had no period to adjust to the slower pace of civilian life and we had no instructions on how to decompress. We were on our own and many of us were too proud to admit to each other that something was off. Our traumatic experiences were suppressed and we all dealt with it in our own way.

I believe deep down that anyone can achieve just about anything if a self-motivating drive exists within. You can be born with all the brains and resources in the world but if you do not have a self-motivating drive, you may end up not reaching your full potential. I believe that my self-motivating drive came from the obstacles and struggles that came my way. Nothing good comes easy and without struggle. If you do not struggle in life, you do not learn to appreciate or value the things that you have. I am the sum of my hardships and struggles, for without them, I would not be the person I am today. When we are young, we learn to walk. A parent’s first instinct is to run and pick up a child when they fall. If the parent never allows the child to learn to get up, the child will never develop the muscles necessary to get up by themselves. We learn from that struggle to get back up. We gain strength from fighting the gravity that pulls us down. We develop the strength to handle anything and everything that comes our way.