Today, without going into too much detail, was a day full of rage. I raged at the world, I burnt with a fiery anger at the things I could not control. I lost control of myself and that angered me.
I realized two things today.
One being: I do not like to lose control, of myself, my surroundings, or my emotions.
This is a common thread with people who have served, who have PTSD and people with anxiety. A lot of us that served in the military get out and expect there to be a certain level of control in our lives and others we interact with. For those with trauma where control was taken, we may fear that control being taken again so when it is not clear to us that we are in control we tend to get scared or start to panic.
That is when the anger can creep in, at first it's just masked as frustration. Then it pulls the mask off, and you're a shouting, spitting, foaming dragon on the rampage and you don't even realize it. You have become unaware that in your panic of losing control you have done just that. Lost all control.
And the second thing I learned is this: I love the rage.
I never feel as alive as I do, when I am angry. 99.9% of the time (when PTSD isn't a factor) I am a cool, calm, collected fun-loving, relaxed person. But that 0.1% of the time, I am a bull raging, thrashing, kicking, throwing, ball of anger. And I love every minute of it. I know it sounds bad, I have never hurt anyone when I am angry. I never break anything. I just enjoy the feeling of the anger. The one moment of my day, my week, or my month where I am fuelled like I was when I was deployed. And that is really what it is. When I am angry, I am capturing those feelings I had when I was there. Because I know on days like today, when life doesn't make sense anymore, I want to be back there.
That is the truth that I hate to admit about myself, and I know I am not the only one that has spoken (or written) those words. I sometimes hate myself for that truth. But the self-loathing is covered by the love of those emotions until the feeling wears off and I am left with just that small voice inside. That small voice that is perfect at hating yourself, and terrible at loving you.
That is me. I am angry, I am self-loathing. But I am hope, and love.
As always remember together we can win, divided we fall.
I realized two things today.
One being: I do not like to lose control, of myself, my surroundings, or my emotions.
This is a common thread with people who have served, who have PTSD and people with anxiety. A lot of us that served in the military get out and expect there to be a certain level of control in our lives and others we interact with. For those with trauma where control was taken, we may fear that control being taken again so when it is not clear to us that we are in control we tend to get scared or start to panic.
That is when the anger can creep in, at first it's just masked as frustration. Then it pulls the mask off, and you're a shouting, spitting, foaming dragon on the rampage and you don't even realize it. You have become unaware that in your panic of losing control you have done just that. Lost all control.
And the second thing I learned is this: I love the rage.
I never feel as alive as I do, when I am angry. 99.9% of the time (when PTSD isn't a factor) I am a cool, calm, collected fun-loving, relaxed person. But that 0.1% of the time, I am a bull raging, thrashing, kicking, throwing, ball of anger. And I love every minute of it. I know it sounds bad, I have never hurt anyone when I am angry. I never break anything. I just enjoy the feeling of the anger. The one moment of my day, my week, or my month where I am fuelled like I was when I was deployed. And that is really what it is. When I am angry, I am capturing those feelings I had when I was there. Because I know on days like today, when life doesn't make sense anymore, I want to be back there.
That is the truth that I hate to admit about myself, and I know I am not the only one that has spoken (or written) those words. I sometimes hate myself for that truth. But the self-loathing is covered by the love of those emotions until the feeling wears off and I am left with just that small voice inside. That small voice that is perfect at hating yourself, and terrible at loving you.
That is me. I am angry, I am self-loathing. But I am hope, and love.
As always remember together we can win, divided we fall.
You made me open my eyes to why I feel the need to control everything in my life. One of the other lessons for me was learning how not to try to control other . Thank you. I enjoy reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou made me open my eyes to why I feel the need to control everything in my life. One of the other lessons for me was learning how not to try to control other . Thank you. I enjoy reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to grow with me. I truly do enjoy writing this everyday. As we grow I hope to cultivate new ideas and have new ways of thinking brought to this blog in hopes that together we can heal.
DeleteDoes anger equal an adrenalin rush for you in some way? Is there something else, some other activity, you can safely participate in which gives you that "alive" feeling? I don't want you to get ulcers. (Said the little control freak who fights constantly with herself to just let life play out and not plan ever minute of it.) :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not a thrill seeking adrenalin rush. It is more of the feeling of being super aware of everything, on top of the hypervigilance. Like when Goku goes Super Saiyan (Nerd/Anime reference, please keep the egg tossing to a minimum lol).
ReplyDeleteSo it is like being aware of everything around me, then the adrenalin enables me to feed that need more because then I can feel everything around me. And it reminds my body the way if felt to be there. How I would feel the grains of sand drag across the hairs on my arms. It's like a soft flash back. It's like feeling all of the sense and physical things of being there, without having to go there visually.